Well our local dinner theater is doing it. I auditioned and didn't get cast.
So now I'm at a crossroads. I'm 30 (almost) and all I have known my entire life is theater. I have known that when I grow up I'm going to be an actress. Well crap. I'm grown up. Annnnnnnd I'm not an actress. I'm a wife and a mother which is awesome! But me as a person, me, Megan Leigh Julia Cochran Garcia. Well...I don't know what I am. I have no clue what to do.
This is not a pity party it isn't. I'm not looking for any sort of consoling or anything. I need to say this.
I have no clue what to do with my life. I don't know anything. I'm not educated. I don't even know what I would study. I have no clue what I will do when Lex is in school. Continue to keep the house? Get some stupid office job. Be nothing? Be a nobody?
I've done nothing with my life. I've made no impact or lasting impression. I'm not talking about with my friends. I'm talking about in life itself. You have your hairstylists. They make people look good and in turn they feel better about themselves which is a good deed. An Attorney well maybe they prove their client wasn't the person that robbed the store and in turn a innocent person is able to walk the streets instead of living a life behind bars. A doctor helps diagnose that growth as cancer before it's too late allowing that person to live several more years.
Me? I...see there you are. Now before you think this is self hating. It isn't. It's simply a realization of what have I been doing for the last 30 years?
I am the only one who can change it. So I will pray on it. Meditate on it. Concentrate on it. 30 is a big birthday. But to me it will be a time for me to grow and figure out what it is I am to do for this world.
I will continue on my journey of losing weight. I will educate myself more. I will be the best damn wife and the best damn mother. Not being cast in Chicago was a good thing for me. It is what I needed to kick myself in the ass and say goodbye to that dream. And leave it where it belonged the whole time.
A new reality. A new me.
1 comment:
I can so relate to this post, girl! I think it has to do with turning 30 and taking stock of your life or something... I was feeling very lost, too, but I just kept thinking, I have a wonderful husband and a baby at thirty--that is all I really ever wanted.
Just enjoy being with David and Lex. Once Lex or whoever else comes along is in preschool, then you can start taking some classes in whatever you want. I NEVER pictured myself as a nurse, but I started thinking I needed to be more than "just" a mother (haha) and I wanted a job I could train for in 2 years and then make some decent money... Who knows what you will wind up becoming!? In the meantime, you are pretty fabulous just as you are! :)
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