Thursday, April 28, 2011


I feel restless. Like I need a change. Yes, I know I just had a baby and that's a huge change. I go through this phase at least once or twice a year where I literally feel like I have to move out of Fredericksburg or I may die. It's annoying and I annoy everyone around me. I can't move anywhere for at least the next five years. I just wish this feeling would go away.

Also I feel lonely and isolated. I think this is postpartum, not the scary kind. Just the usual one that everyone experiences after having a baby.

I feel like my life is moving really fast and I feel like before I know it it's going to be too late to do anything with my life. I think I feel this way because basically my 20's were a complete waste of a decade. Like I never did anything or went anywhere. Now I'm married with two babies and I can't just move to New York or L.A because I want to check it out.

My 30's I believe will be the decade where I make up for having wasted my 20's. I guess it'll be all about finding the balance of pleasing my family and myself.

Maybe I should start seeing a shrink...maybe I should be medicated.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I Love Lucy

She's here! My little baby bunny, my little diamond is here. She looks so much like Lex it's scary. Like they could be twins except they were born almost two years apart. She's very sweet but serious. If I believed in reincarnation I would say she's been here before. She has that look in her eyes that she's been here before and that she has a lot to do.

She's strong just like her big brother. She already holds her head up to look at you when you hold her on your shoulder. She may actually be stronger then Lex. That's my girl!!!

The first few nights at home with her were a little scary. Poor thing would spit up everything. A few times she choked and that was terrifying! To see your little baby so scared and turning red and trying to gasp for air is so scary. But we found a new formula for babies with Acid Reflux and that seems to have done the trick. She stays fuller longer and so far we have very fortunate to not have had any more scary nights. Although I am an expert with the boogie sucker outter.

She has a healthy appetite...already put on a pound since leaving the hospital. She's starting to smile and the other night (as I posted on Facebook) she laughed out loud in her sleep.

Sleep how I miss it. It's better now with the new formula but she still gets me up at least once in the middle of the night and then is awake for at least an hour or two. However before switching formulas she was getting me up every hour/hour and a half. So I was the walking dead there for a week and a half or so.

I don't think I'm suffering from the baby blues. I do notice that I am very motivated to get back into the gym because I hate the way I look. I feel a little better about my appearance since I got my hair did yesterday. But I still suffer from the same self loathing of my body as I always have. Losing weight I don't foresee being a problem because number 1.) I'm not hungry and number 2.) I don't have time to eat. I always thought people with children so close in age said that to cover up the fact that they have an eating disorder but it's true. There just doesn't seem to be time to sit down and eat much less fix myself lunch.

I will be starting back up my skinny girl to be blog here shortly once I can get back into the gym.

How is my Turtle doing...He has entered the terrible twos. Lord. Help. Me! He's still cute and is slowly starting to warm up to Lucy. He gave her a "kissy kissy" and today has been fascinated with her little toes. He's into everything and is getting quite familiar with the Time Out chair. I'm pretty sure he thinks his name is "Alexander No." Ha! Even though he is throwing hissy fits he's still my sweet little boy and still loves to give out hugs and kisses. I'm trying to hold on to everyday with him because I know in a blink of an eye he will be a teenager and won't want anything to do with me much less hold my hand.

My poor husband is working himself to death. Since the two weeks before Lucy arrived he's been running on little to no sleep. First he's started going into work at the ungodly hour of 6:45 am to appease his stupid company. I'm not going to air out the dirty laundry but let's just say this lady hasn't been happy and my husband has had to calm me down. Plus he's a full time college student. Then we had to get our house in order because my Mother in Law came in for a visit and she stayed at our house so I wanted everything to be perfect but was too pregnant to do a lot of it on my own. So there was poor Mr. Garcia coming homing after a 10-12 hour workday starting to work around the house for about 2-3 hours in the evening for the week prior to Lucy being born. He wasn't eating until 10:00 at night and then immediately going to bed and starting all over again at 6:30. Needless to say the day after we brought Lucy home I forced him to take a nap because he was so tired he didn't even realize just how tired he was. He was so busy taking care of everyone else he forgot to take care of himself. So for the first time in about 2 years Mr. Garcia took a nap!

I've been doing a lot of reflecting. My concern now is my family and how can I provide the best life for them. So probably this time next year I am going to go back to school. I am going to get my Associates in Paralegal Studies. I love staying at home with my babies but once they are in school it's a little more hard to justify being a stay at home wife/mom. So I love secretarial work and working as a paralegal but want to make more money doing so. Plus as I have said before my lack of education has been an embarrassment to me so I'm going to change it.

Also in reflecting I've been taking a look at the area we live in. It's not at all someplace I want to raise my children. The school systems are atrocious and frankly there is a lot lacking in this area. I want more out of life for my children. Both David and I lived abroad and in a way that makes us both snobs because we've seen the world and know that there is more to offer that just this little burg. I won't be sending my kids to public school out here if I can afford it because (I'm not just saying this to be biased) Lex is quick to figure things out. He has a very curious nature about himself that I can only imagine he gets from his father. I imagine David was the same exact way when he was a toddler so my fear is that Lex would get lost in the system. It happens all the time. Let's also be honest...I've never liked this area. I actually started crying when my parents told me we were moving back here because my Dad was retiring. I have honestly tried to be happy with my life out here but I'm not. So it's time to move on.

My hope is to move out to Seattle within the next 5-7 years. David will be finished with his degree we will have hopefully by then bought new cars and have them close to being paid off, Lex and Lucy will be in school but still young enough that it won't destroy their world to leave here and hopefully Grammy and Grampy will be able to move out there around that same time. I have to be realistic though...the move may not happen but everything I want is out in the Pacific Northwest. There is so much more culture, the school systems are way superior, and the cost of living is more affordable. Sure housing will be more expensive to buy but they pay more out there. With both of us working and making a livable income that really shouldn't hurt us too much. Plus here were barely scrapping by on what David gets paid. Cost of living keeps going up but David's paycheck sure as hell doesn't. His company's stance? Not their problem. Just do the work and shut up. Don't let them know if your unhappy or you'll be fired. Nice.

So that's what's going on in our little world. Our plan for the future. And how our family of three is doing now that we are a family of four. Life overall is good. We are all healthy, have a roof overhead, food in our bellies and about 98% debt free. Well until student loans kick in. I have a beautiful family and a husband who loves me more then I thought anyone would. And I love my husband more then anything in the world. I'm very lucky. Not everyone has all of those boxes in their life checked. I do know and am very grateful. I just want to make everything perfect.