My brain hurts.

So since I'm a haus frau I have a lot of time to think. About random stuff. Starting a band, daydreaming about being really thin, finally getting a new car. Most of the time however my mind winds up back to where do I want to be.

Easy answer of course. Seattle. I love it there. I love how polite the people are. I love how courteous they are on the road. People actually smile and say "Hello" in stores. Just randomly. It must be all the clean air. I want to live in Seattle because I love the city. I know I would be very happy there. I know that that is where I should be.

Unfortunately that will never happen. I can't leave my parents. I never had grandparents. I never got to spend the summer at Grandma and Grandpa's house. I never got the joy of my parents sending me over there while they went out on a date night. I don't have any stories to tell. Both my Grandmothers died long before I was ever even thought of. My Maternal Grandfather left while my Mom was really young. My Paternal Grandfather I did meet and did spend sometime with. I have three memories of Grandpa Lloyd.

The first one is eating a LOT of strawberries at his house. They just counted as I gorged myself. The second is when I had the ever living daylights scarred out of me. Grandpa Lloyd was going to give us a tortoise. I didn't know what it was it just looked like a rock to me. So I put me little 3 year old face up to it to look and the darn thing just flung it's head out at me! It scarred me so bad I jumped back and fell down, ripping my white tights in the process. Needless to say we didn't take the tortoise and my brother has still not forgiven me for this to the day. The final memory I have of my Grandpa Lloyd was 10 years later. It would be the last time I saw him. We went and drove around the Marine Corps Air Base that we lived in before moving to Va. We stopped at McDonald's and had lunch. He had a hamburger and a cup of coffee. Then we dropped him off at his house and I said "Now Grandpa, quit smoking." He passed away about three weeks later.

So the reason I'm writing about that is because I want to be sure Lex has endless stories that he can tell about his Grandparents. So that means we're staying here.

I mean I don't want to leave my family. I don't think I could. I finally have some really good friends whom I know will be around for a long time.

I believe that ultimately if we did move, David would only do it because I want to. Then I wouldn't be happy because I can't just go over to my Parent's house whenever I want. That Lex's memories would be limited to once a year or two.

I'm also torn because I know that I have wanted to move to Seattle. I was supposed to move out there after high school. That obviously didn't happen. I never wanted to move to Va. I knew once I got on the plane to Okinawa, I was never moving back here. I never missed it the whole time we were out there. And when my parents told me we were moving back here because Dad was retiring, well I started to cry. Because I'm a brat.

So here's how it all works out...in my world Seattle would be located where Fredericksburg is so I'm still close to New England. That way all the people I love are here but I still get to live in the city that I love. And none of the stupid rednecks are allowed in my city. And this way I get to keep a lot of the history that I enjoy about living here. My world is awesome!

I'm not ashamed...

I am not ashamed to admit that I am sad "The Hills" has ended. Okay okay I think you all are done booing me and throwing things at me. I fully admit I was caught up in the drama. I was there all the times Heidi thought she was pregnant. I was there before Spencer. Before Whitney moved to "The City." When Stephanie confronted Lauren at the club. The first time we were introduced to Justin Bobby. I was mad at Lauren for choosing ugly old Jason over Paris. And I was there for every awkward silence and all of Audrina's vacant stares. I will miss all of the drama surrounding Brody Jenner. Man that dude is hot! Oh but not as hot as my husband.

Most of all I will miss all of the different shots of LA and Hollywood. I don't care if it was fake, scripted reality, or manipulated television. I want my Hills and I want it back now. Without Kristen cause she's kinda boring. Dude why are you so angry? Why do you want to fight so much?

So goodbye kids. I don't know if you have any actual skills outside of eating lunch and doing shots...but good luck in all of your future endeavors.

So tired

So last Friday I decided to step back into my past and attend at techno night that some of my friends were spinning at. I have now realized I have grown out of this scene. And for once I am not just talking about my size. Somehow I grew up...when this happened I don't know. Maybe it was August 30, 2008 (when I got married) or maybe it was June 30, 2009(when I had my baby removed.) When it happened I don't know but it did happen none the less.

I enjoyed going out because sometimes I think to myself "I need out!" So it was fun to go out and hang out with one of my best friends. Dear Jessie, We live 20 minutes away from each other and never hang out...Let's change this! Anyhoo...First time we have hung out and listened to techno music since like 1999. Well we are married, she has two kids and I have the Turtle. We tried to dance and only succeeded at it for one minute. We used to dance for HOURS. Also another reason I know I'm old is because I was really annoyed at having to say "WHAT?! I CAN'T HEAR YOU! THE MUSIC IS TOO LOUD!"

Another example of me being old is what time I went home. Now mind you this former party kid didn't stop partying until the sun had been up and most people had already eaten their breakfast and mowed their lawn. I was always one of the last to pass out. My father had always said..."Nothing good happens after midnight." I always argued saying that's when the party starts. What time did I call my husband to come pick me up? 11:40. Yep...I'm a pumpkin. Also notice I wrote "What time did I call my husband to pick me up?" Yeah that's another thing...I had a DD.

So while it was nice to see some people I hadn't seen in years, there is some truth to the whole "You can't go home..." It's a little bittersweet. I always kinda had this Peter Pan complex. Now I'm a wife and a mother. I prefer wine to beer. My cooking to McDonalds. Kybecca to The Tavern. And most nights being home with my family then out with my friends.

I write that now but if you call me on Friday I might just ditch my kid and husband and go out!

I totally forgot!!!!

I hate our furniture so the other week David and I went to Ashley Furniture and put a down payment for a new couch and a new loveseat. I couldn't find the exact one on the website but this is what it looks like...

In this color however...

So I plan on having like creams and neutrals colors through out the two front rooms but with a little pop of color here and there like green. Hidden here and there. I fell in love with this lamp at Ikea.

Also in the living room I am finally going to hang all of the pictures that we have from our Wedding (when I pick them up) that are in black and white.

Oh and the kitchen...Well even Miss Golightly would love it! Tiffany Blue walls under the chair rail. I even have my beloved martini glass that I was given at my bridal shower that was engraved with "Meggsie Golightly." So that's the plan for the house. You know once I finish cleaning and putting away.

This old house.

Oh dear...I have come to a stall. I don't know if it's the heat or what but man does my house look like poop! I just can't seem to find the energy to clean it. I enjoy having a clean house. Actually I love it and I covet people who always seem to have a tidy house.

David and I are messy people. We don't mean to be but I would say we are both like the character "Pig Pen" from the Peanuts. It's not dirt...it's just clutter. I HATE CLUTTER!!!

I'm hoping it's the heat but upstairs my word! My poor Mother in Law didn't get to see the babies room because it's still in boxes.

The downstairs was finally pulled together when the In Laws came to visit it looked nice. Now...ugh. I know I know...I have a baby but whatever. My house is not reflecting who I am in my head. Do you know what I'm saying?

I love this look...

Let the manic cleaning begin!

My life's a sitcom.

See that guy? I'm married to him. Except he looks like this...

Which would make me her...

Heavy sigh.

Can't I be her?

Oh...nice.

So since I sang "All That Jazz" in 1999 as a Senior in our high school musical, I have wanted to do "Chicago."

Well our local dinner theater is doing it. I auditioned and didn't get cast.

So now I'm at a crossroads. I'm 30 (almost) and all I have known my entire life is theater. I have known that when I grow up I'm going to be an actress. Well crap. I'm grown up. Annnnnnnd I'm not an actress. I'm a wife and a mother which is awesome! But me as a person, me, Megan Leigh Julia Cochran Garcia. Well...I don't know what I am. I have no clue what to do.

This is not a pity party it isn't. I'm not looking for any sort of consoling or anything. I need to say this.

I have no clue what to do with my life. I don't know anything. I'm not educated. I don't even know what I would study. I have no clue what I will do when Lex is in school. Continue to keep the house? Get some stupid office job. Be nothing? Be a nobody?

I've done nothing with my life. I've made no impact or lasting impression. I'm not talking about with my friends. I'm talking about in life itself. You have your hairstylists. They make people look good and in turn they feel better about themselves which is a good deed. An Attorney well maybe they prove their client wasn't the person that robbed the store and in turn a innocent person is able to walk the streets instead of living a life behind bars. A doctor helps diagnose that growth as cancer before it's too late allowing that person to live several more years.

Me? I...see there you are. Now before you think this is self hating. It isn't. It's simply a realization of what have I been doing for the last 30 years?

I am the only one who can change it. So I will pray on it. Meditate on it. Concentrate on it. 30 is a big birthday. But to me it will be a time for me to grow and figure out what it is I am to do for this world.

I will continue on my journey of losing weight. I will educate myself more. I will be the best damn wife and the best damn mother. Not being cast in Chicago was a good thing for me. It is what I needed to kick myself in the ass and say goodbye to that dream. And leave it where it belonged the whole time.

A new reality. A new me.