My Mom sent me an email the other day asking if I would like to have a date on Friday with her to see Julie & Julia. So I got to my parents house early and we had a nice chat. Then we went to Subway had lunch and watched the film. It was great. Such a chick flick. It was nice to get a glimpse into Julia Child's personal life. She came into herself late in life. Kinda helped me because I've been kinda down in the dumps lately. Nothing serious, just that ever present self doubt that follows chubby girls around. Something you can't get rid of no matter if you ever lose weight.
I have been on this constant battle my whole life of what I want to be. Actress, Singer, Dancer, Advertising Exec, Lawyer, Paralegal, join the Air Force, Hair stylist, make up artist and Teacher just to name a few. I also wanted to be a Stay at home Mom. I have never known what it is I really want to do.
I love staying at home with Lex. It's almost six weeks since I had him and this is the time most women go back to work after having a baby. There is no way in H-E-double toothpicks that I could do that. I love fixing lunch for my husband when he comes home and ironing his clothes for him to wear to work. Here's where the self doubt creeps in...I don't feel like I'm doing it right.
When I look at my apartment it's nothing but cluttered and a disorganized disaster zone. It's never clean enough. I'm embarrassed when people come over because I have no idea what they think. I really feel like people come over and look at the pile of baby items in the corner next to the TV and judge me for the fact I haven't found a place for it. The carpets are dirty and of course there are the cats. I'm always worried that my house smells like a dirty litter box.
Then there's my cooking. As much as I love to cook, I haven't reached the level I want to be at. My hubby is always sweet and tells me he likes what I cook but does he really? Seriously I always feel like I mess up the dinner somehow. Plus on the nights that we order in I feel guilty because I'm at home all day. I should be able to have a dinner ready.
I'm also worried about being a good Mom. I mean this is serious, someone else has their life in my hands. Literally. I'm worried I will mess up this kid. I don't want to have one of those relationships where I smother him so much that he either moves out of the house and never speaks to me again or he becomes the creepy middle age man who still lives at home and calls me Mother. Even worse I feel like a failure already because I can't breastfeed. The milks not there. I know there's nothing wrong with formula. I have tried everything I could to get my milk to come in but once again something else I failed at.
My marriage. I worry that I'm not the wife that David wanted. I'm not an affectionate person. I worry that I am the ice princess like Brie from Desperate Housewives. I snap at him from time to time and I don't know why. I worry that he will someday think I don't love him and leave me.
Then there's theater. I have always danced, sung, and acted for as long as I can remember. In a lot of ways it is all I have ever known. I had always thought I would move to New York and be on Broadway. Just your regular old working actor. I never thought I would be the next Bernadette Peters. Just a girl who made it. I even let that dream fade. I never tried. I never got the chutzpah to just do it. Now it's too late. Why? My worst fear has been realized. I'm not as talented as I thought.
I first started to think this last year when I was "Erma" in "Anything Goes." It was community theater but I had fun. Why? Because I like performing. My friends came and saw the show. I had a solo where I did a dance and got to belt out this song. I thought I did great. The only thing they said to me was..."Can you speak in that voice?" Not a single one of them had heard me sing or seen me act and dance. There was no "Oh my gosh you were amazing." Nothing about my performance except for the high pitched voice I used. I just set it aside and didn't think about it until just recently.
I am in "Foxfire." Again community theater. Oh and let's not forget directed by my parents. No they didn't cast me because I'm there daughter. I was one of two women to audition who was the right age for the role. The other woman gave a good reading but just wasn't right for the role. So while I am at rehearsal I start paying attention to how I deliver my lines. I realized then and there...I am awful. No wonder I can't get cast at the Riverside. I am a triple threat of no talent. I had been thinking about taking acting, voice, and dance lessons again to condition myself. I had thought about when Lex is older going up North and auditioning for the theaters up there. Why bother.
So anyways...I had a lovely afternoon with my Mom of lunch and a movie. We went back to their house and my father came home and had a nice visit with him as well. They of course were the happy grandparents visiting with their grandson. A lot of times I look at him (Lex) and think that he is the one good thing I have done in my life. I was a horrible student. I'm not stupid just lazy. I wish I was dumb because that wouldn't be as embarrassing as being a bright girl who just didn't care enough. I have been fired from more jobs then it seems possible. I drank myself into debt. Frankly I'm just a mean fat girl.
Back to my originial point of this post...My Mom being the proud grandmother that she is wanted to show the cast of "Evita" her grandson. So I took her to the theater and we showed him off and everybody was excited and complimentary. It was time for me to leave and as I was putting Lex into the car my Mom saw the tattoo that I got a little while ago.
My Mom and Dad hate tattoos. Normally my Mom gets mad but this time she cried. I made my Mom cry and I feel horrible. She said to me "That she doesn't understand why I get those ugly things." Then she said something that made me think. She said that to her they are a sign of immaturity. She asked that I not get anymore. I said I wouldn't but I've said that before so I know that my words mean nothing.
I started to think about what she said. I got this tattoo of a pin up girl before I knew I was pregnant. I'd always wanted a pin up girl tattoo. Now I'm a Mom and I've grown up. I really have. You have no choice. I don't want to get another tattoo. I really don't. I have four and that's enough. I don't regret any of them and I like them all but I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not the "Rebel Without a Clue."
Then I thought about what is it that made me get these tattoos. Yes I like tattoos and piercings. Is there something more? Yes there is and I know what it is now. I have always hated my body. I have never been thin enough. I have never liked my face. I have never liked my hair. Yes I am that girl who stares at herself in the mirror and looks at every single flaw. The wrinkle in between my eyebrow even though I am an avid moisturizer. The super fine hair that isn't shiny enough. The belly that has never been flat. The horrible stretch marks. The dark circles under the eyes that never disappear even when I'm well rested. The nose that isn't right. The flat chest. The bad posture. The broad rib cage. I have always hated my body and I believe the tattoos were a way to cover up what I despise.
I made my Mom cry. I said I was sorry but you know what? That doesn't mean anything anymore. How many times have they heard that from me? I'm sorry I got fired again. I'm sorry I don't have any money again. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Words that I've spoken so often that now it's like the boy who cried wolf.
I know we will get past this. Now that I've grown up I realize the repercussions of my actions. Maybe this may seem like nothing to some people. Like it's a tattoo, you are almost 30. The point is my parents didn't want me to do it and it is just something else that I did without a care in the world.
I'm not that selfish girl anymore. I do actually care about what my parents think. Now I'm trying so hard to build back the wall that I tore down with all my irresponsible actions. But once again the past has come back and knocked down what little work had been done.
I know this blog has been very dark. Perhaps I should've kept it to myself. I feel better now that I let it all out. I didn't write this because I'm fishing for compliments.
I will find the path that I am supposed to be one eventually. Everyone does. Perhaps it will happen to me when I'm much older like Julia Child.
For what it's worth Mom if you read this. I'm sorry and I won't do it again. Words that I really mean. Not just reciting, like lines from a script.
3 comments:
Oh Meggie! I so get where you are coming from on the body issues. It can be so difficult to love ourselves especially as much as we love others (such as your cutie Lex and your amazing husband.)
It's okay to change your mind about what you want to do and what you like and dislike. It's your life and you know what? At least when you've wanted to do something you've tried. Maybe the outcome wasn't what you hoped for but it's just one more experience that makes you who you are..... the Meggie we know and love.
As far as the tattoo, it doesn't make you a bad person, it doesn't make you immature it's just an expression. I am sure that your mom loves you as much now as she did before the tattoo. Maybe she was having an emotional day... we all do.
You and I have something in common besides SYTYCD, we are too critical and too unforgiving of ourselves.
I know you aren't fishing for compliments but I am going to give you one anyway:
Meggie you have one of the most gorgeous spirits that I have ever had the privilage of knowing and that shines through to your outward appreance as well. You always look so effortlessly stylish whenever I see you. Your apartment is lovely (who doesn't have crap lying around?) You live there, it's not a set in a Martha Stewart photo shoot. :) The biggest one is that you know who you are and what you believe in.... no matter how much David tries to convince you otherwise. ;)
I am so proud to call you my friend!
I think Sweetheart, that you need to start looking at the things that are right in your life and realize what wonderful things you are doing. You are a stay at home Mom, which is so rare in this day and age. Your baby is beautiful and happy. Enjoy this time with your baby and your husband. No one is judging you by the cleanliness of your house or the quality of your meals.
It is a real sign of maturity that you are noticing how your behavior effects others. But don't beat yourself up about things you've done in the past - leave them where they belong - in the past. Now you understand the things you don't want to do in the future.
Isn't it wonderful that you have a good relationship with your parents and David's parents? What a rarity! Lex can only benefit from the love that will be lavished upon him from the family, including those of us in Seattle. And honey, you are equally responsible for the quality of those relationships.
Body image is something we women all struggle with and I truly believe it is a problem of our culture today. By the way, I thought you were a beautiful girl and you've grown into a beautiful woman - inside and out. I know, I know, I'm the Aunt and so a little prejudiced, but the truth is the truth. You have a wonderful sense of humor, a dramatic flair and a fabulous sense of style, plus you get your dramatic and musical talent from two sides of the family. What a lucky young lady are you!
So, tomorrow, why don't you write down 5 things that you do well and concentrate on those things, and the next day, write five more. Soon, you'll have a list much bigger than the things you think you don't do well.
Megan, I love you dearly. Be good to yourself and cut yourself some slack. I'm looking forward to seeing you all soon and maybe we can talk a little when I'm there.
Meggie,
You are one of the kindest, most generous and forgiving people I've ever met. You are gorgeous; I always feel second fiddle next to you! You have wonderful taste and style. Hello, beautiful wedding?! I never could have put something like that together.
One of (many) things that I find amazing about you is that you aren't afraid to try. As Olivia said, maybe things didn't turn out the way you thought, but at least you had the passion and drive to try all of these different adventures.
In this day and age, it's practically a sin against Womanhood for a woman to want to be a stay-at-home mom. I love the fact that you embrace that desire--and that you are an amazing mom!
Think of how much you've changed, how much you have matured, in such a few short years. That in itself is amazing! You've continued to try hard, to be a good person, to enjoy life, and you've accomplished a lot in such a short time.
The things you feel are things we all feel. I am embarrassed when people come over. I sit typing this now with a kitten who won't use the litter box and tons of dustballs, litter pellets and hairballs at my feet because I just don't have the energy to vacuum my floors.
I'm glad you wrote this post because it's a healthy way to get rid of negative emotions. You're allowed to have an off day, and I'm sure you'll have another day like this again. Just remember that we all are our own harshest critics, and no one sees you as you see yourself.
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