Skinny girl to be

I have taken a cue from my loverly friend Olivia and have started another blog. It's all about my weightloss adventures. It's skinnygirl2b.blogspot.com.

I titled that because since December 3, 2006 I've been a "To be" of some sort. Bride to be, Mother to be. So it was weird that I was no longer a "to be" of some sort. Then I started getting really into changing my health lifestyle. So there you go I'm now a skinny girl to be.

I'm finding writing about my whole weightloss path as motivation. Journaling it and also keeping track of everything on sparkpeople.com is opening up my eyes and making me a lot more aware of what I'm eating and doing.

So join me if you want to.

See you on the skinny side ;)

Meg

seeeeew....

My Mom is going to give me her old sewing machine. Holla!!!! I am on a mission to teach myself how to sew. I always have ideas for designs, but alas I have no way to make these creations. I'm really excited! I plan on making a ton of shifts and then once I get really good, I'm going to make all sorts of vintage inspired pieces.

Now I've only made two things on a sewing machine my whole life. A pair of shorts that turned out horribly. That was in the eighth grade and while I already had a love of fashion, I wasn't really interested in learning how to sew.

Then when I was 20 I decided I wanted to make a top for myself to wear. It was really cute. It was a halter style. I wore it a lot. It turned out really well.

So we shall see. I can't wait!!!! I have fallen in love with dresses because it's so nice to just throw on something without really thinking about it. I want to have a closet full of dresses!!!! I will have to post pictures of my creations.

Even more inspiration...

So tonight I went to the Riverside to see "Murder at the Tropicabana." It was really cute. While I was there I got to catch up with Miss Elena. She told me about an awesome photographer who is located in B'more. Check this out...http://www.atomiccheesecakestudios.com/

OH MY GOD!!!! Isn't that awesome. It's so me. A pin up photographer. So that's what I want for my 30Th birthday. I know I know I don't turn thirty until next year. This gives me even more motivation to shed this weight! Hi-oooo!!!!

I'm gonna be all ripped because I will have (hopefully) run my first marathon. Let's see...do I want to do your classic 1940's pin up like Norma Jean or 1950's like my beloved Bettie Page? Oh decisions decisions. Good thing I have over a year to decide!

Been thinking...

So while I was at a low I was doubting my ability as an actor. I've decided to get over this. I know have another goal. I need to get in shape because not only do I want to run a marathon, I am finally going to stop being a chicken. I am going to take a big leap and start auditioning up North.

I've auditioned several times at the Riverside and haven't been cast. I've allowed that to doubt my abilities. I've been cast in several shows right? Including up at the Lazy Susan. Clearly I can't be that untalented. After all with being an actor, singer, or dancer there's a lot more doors being shut then opened right?

So I need to get over this. I'm also thinking about taking voice lessons. I don't know how to read music, which is a bad thing if you do musical theater. I know my Grandma Grace is probably rolling in her grave knowing this fact about myself. Curse seven year old Megan who quit piano lessons because she wanted to watch "The Brady Bunch" instead. Curse 17 year old Megan who didn't pay attention in choir. Sheesh.

I also need to take dance classes again. I used to be a pretty good dancer. Then like a stupid teenager I quit dancing. Well I guess I didn't quit dancing then because instead of ballet and jazz I danced traditional Mexican Folk dancing. I wish I had just continued on with dance.

Maybe I should get a part time job. This could turn out to be expensive. Oy!

It's a new week

So I feel much better after having gotten all of that out of my system. I made a yummy dinner for David and I. It was very SoBe friend. Grilled chicken, mixed veggies, salad and South Beach mashed cauliflower. Yum. The healthier I eat the more I like it. After my dinner tonight I felt good. Like light and healthy. It's a good thing as Martha would say.

I've been really bad about my exercising so I am getting back on the horse tomorrow and jogging on the treadmill. I am going to run a marathon a year from now! I must not forget that.

Tomorrow I also plan on going through my clothes. I have a ton of bags and clothes that I don't wear anymore. Also I don't have a lot of room. It's going to be ugly and cut throat. Maybe I will sell my bags on eBay. Why not make some money for them? I've never done that before. I just want to rid myself of clutter. I can't stand it! I don't know how I acquire so much stuff!

Well I'm off to eat some yogurt and granola. Then I think I will read. I have always love Sunday nights. I believe it is the most relaxing because it's the quiet before the storm.

It was a good day...

Until I ruined it.

My Mom sent me an email the other day asking if I would like to have a date on Friday with her to see Julie & Julia. So I got to my parents house early and we had a nice chat. Then we went to Subway had lunch and watched the film. It was great. Such a chick flick. It was nice to get a glimpse into Julia Child's personal life. She came into herself late in life. Kinda helped me because I've been kinda down in the dumps lately. Nothing serious, just that ever present self doubt that follows chubby girls around. Something you can't get rid of no matter if you ever lose weight.

I have been on this constant battle my whole life of what I want to be. Actress, Singer, Dancer, Advertising Exec, Lawyer, Paralegal, join the Air Force, Hair stylist, make up artist and Teacher just to name a few. I also wanted to be a Stay at home Mom. I have never known what it is I really want to do.

I love staying at home with Lex. It's almost six weeks since I had him and this is the time most women go back to work after having a baby. There is no way in H-E-double toothpicks that I could do that. I love fixing lunch for my husband when he comes home and ironing his clothes for him to wear to work. Here's where the self doubt creeps in...I don't feel like I'm doing it right.

When I look at my apartment it's nothing but cluttered and a disorganized disaster zone. It's never clean enough. I'm embarrassed when people come over because I have no idea what they think. I really feel like people come over and look at the pile of baby items in the corner next to the TV and judge me for the fact I haven't found a place for it. The carpets are dirty and of course there are the cats. I'm always worried that my house smells like a dirty litter box.

Then there's my cooking. As much as I love to cook, I haven't reached the level I want to be at. My hubby is always sweet and tells me he likes what I cook but does he really? Seriously I always feel like I mess up the dinner somehow. Plus on the nights that we order in I feel guilty because I'm at home all day. I should be able to have a dinner ready.

I'm also worried about being a good Mom. I mean this is serious, someone else has their life in my hands. Literally. I'm worried I will mess up this kid. I don't want to have one of those relationships where I smother him so much that he either moves out of the house and never speaks to me again or he becomes the creepy middle age man who still lives at home and calls me Mother. Even worse I feel like a failure already because I can't breastfeed. The milks not there. I know there's nothing wrong with formula. I have tried everything I could to get my milk to come in but once again something else I failed at.

My marriage. I worry that I'm not the wife that David wanted. I'm not an affectionate person. I worry that I am the ice princess like Brie from Desperate Housewives. I snap at him from time to time and I don't know why. I worry that he will someday think I don't love him and leave me.

Then there's theater. I have always danced, sung, and acted for as long as I can remember. In a lot of ways it is all I have ever known. I had always thought I would move to New York and be on Broadway. Just your regular old working actor. I never thought I would be the next Bernadette Peters. Just a girl who made it. I even let that dream fade. I never tried. I never got the chutzpah to just do it. Now it's too late. Why? My worst fear has been realized. I'm not as talented as I thought.

I first started to think this last year when I was "Erma" in "Anything Goes." It was community theater but I had fun. Why? Because I like performing. My friends came and saw the show. I had a solo where I did a dance and got to belt out this song. I thought I did great. The only thing they said to me was..."Can you speak in that voice?" Not a single one of them had heard me sing or seen me act and dance. There was no "Oh my gosh you were amazing." Nothing about my performance except for the high pitched voice I used. I just set it aside and didn't think about it until just recently.

I am in "Foxfire." Again community theater. Oh and let's not forget directed by my parents. No they didn't cast me because I'm there daughter. I was one of two women to audition who was the right age for the role. The other woman gave a good reading but just wasn't right for the role. So while I am at rehearsal I start paying attention to how I deliver my lines. I realized then and there...I am awful. No wonder I can't get cast at the Riverside. I am a triple threat of no talent. I had been thinking about taking acting, voice, and dance lessons again to condition myself. I had thought about when Lex is older going up North and auditioning for the theaters up there. Why bother.

So anyways...I had a lovely afternoon with my Mom of lunch and a movie. We went back to their house and my father came home and had a nice visit with him as well. They of course were the happy grandparents visiting with their grandson. A lot of times I look at him (Lex) and think that he is the one good thing I have done in my life. I was a horrible student. I'm not stupid just lazy. I wish I was dumb because that wouldn't be as embarrassing as being a bright girl who just didn't care enough. I have been fired from more jobs then it seems possible. I drank myself into debt. Frankly I'm just a mean fat girl.

Back to my originial point of this post...My Mom being the proud grandmother that she is wanted to show the cast of "Evita" her grandson. So I took her to the theater and we showed him off and everybody was excited and complimentary. It was time for me to leave and as I was putting Lex into the car my Mom saw the tattoo that I got a little while ago.

My Mom and Dad hate tattoos. Normally my Mom gets mad but this time she cried. I made my Mom cry and I feel horrible. She said to me "That she doesn't understand why I get those ugly things." Then she said something that made me think. She said that to her they are a sign of immaturity. She asked that I not get anymore. I said I wouldn't but I've said that before so I know that my words mean nothing.

I started to think about what she said. I got this tattoo of a pin up girl before I knew I was pregnant. I'd always wanted a pin up girl tattoo. Now I'm a Mom and I've grown up. I really have. You have no choice. I don't want to get another tattoo. I really don't. I have four and that's enough. I don't regret any of them and I like them all but I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not the "Rebel Without a Clue."

Then I thought about what is it that made me get these tattoos. Yes I like tattoos and piercings. Is there something more? Yes there is and I know what it is now. I have always hated my body. I have never been thin enough. I have never liked my face. I have never liked my hair. Yes I am that girl who stares at herself in the mirror and looks at every single flaw. The wrinkle in between my eyebrow even though I am an avid moisturizer. The super fine hair that isn't shiny enough. The belly that has never been flat. The horrible stretch marks. The dark circles under the eyes that never disappear even when I'm well rested. The nose that isn't right. The flat chest. The bad posture. The broad rib cage. I have always hated my body and I believe the tattoos were a way to cover up what I despise.

I made my Mom cry. I said I was sorry but you know what? That doesn't mean anything anymore. How many times have they heard that from me? I'm sorry I got fired again. I'm sorry I don't have any money again. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry. Words that I've spoken so often that now it's like the boy who cried wolf.

I know we will get past this. Now that I've grown up I realize the repercussions of my actions. Maybe this may seem like nothing to some people. Like it's a tattoo, you are almost 30. The point is my parents didn't want me to do it and it is just something else that I did without a care in the world.

I'm not that selfish girl anymore. I do actually care about what my parents think. Now I'm trying so hard to build back the wall that I tore down with all my irresponsible actions. But once again the past has come back and knocked down what little work had been done.

I know this blog has been very dark. Perhaps I should've kept it to myself. I feel better now that I let it all out. I didn't write this because I'm fishing for compliments.

I will find the path that I am supposed to be one eventually. Everyone does. Perhaps it will happen to me when I'm much older like Julia Child.

For what it's worth Mom if you read this. I'm sorry and I won't do it again. Words that I really mean. Not just reciting, like lines from a script.